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Confessions of a Cereal Killer

About this project

Something... a bit different. This is the weird corner of the internet that I inhabited before becoming a professional. Be warned, content is a little off-kilter. Still, I'm proud of this as a body of work and wanted to include it here: http://cofack.blogspot.co.uk/ ps: notice the horrible design. It was purposeful.

Sample

Nesquik Cereal – So, There’s a Rabbit on the Front, and the Cereal Looks Like… Wait a Goddamn Minute!

Nesquik cereal looks identical to rabbit droppings. For this reason, I am sure many before me have questioned the decision by Nestle to release this cereal under the Nesquik brand; a brand that was made famous by their righteous milkshakes and jovial, anthropomorphic rabbit mascot. I mean, come on guys!  What were you thinking? The comparison could possibly be alleviated if they didn’t have the poor guy on the front of the box, chowing down on a big ol’ bowl of shit. He looks like he has some kind of insatiable, maddened hunger for the stuff. His pupils are massive and his tongue is lolling about like a fish out of water, which leads me to conclude that the little guy is on a bad acid trip that has culminated in him eating his own faeces.

No fear, Quiky.  We’ve all been there.  You can get through this.

Perhaps there a possibility that it is all some kind of sick joke? Part of me thinks it has to be. The resemblance is uncanny. The guys at Nestle Cereals were dead stoned one day, like all cereal guys should be, and came up with this supposed marketing malfunction on purpose. It went something like this:
“Hey. H… h… hey, Mark! Mark! MARK!”

“Zzzohmyjesus!” Mark wakes up, startled. “What’s going on, Cal? You scared the shit out of me. Why have you got your shirt off? And what’s with the malice etched on your face?”

“I’ve got it, man! I’ve totally got it. Check out my prototype for the new Nesquik cereal. Chocolate corn balls.” Cal pushes a bowl of Nesquik over to his colleague and starts hitting the team bong.

“Oh, alright, these look reasonable… I guess. But… wait a minute, dude. These look exactly like rabbit droppings.”

Cal turns to face Mark, breathing out the pungent bong smoke. “Exactly.”

However it came about, any sane person’s first reaction to Nesquik cereal – besides “why is there no ‘c’?” – is along the lines of “I see what you did there” (for want of a less pop-cultured phrase). This contemplation is frivolous, though, as the truth is: nobody will ever know what they were thinking.
Marketing aside, Nesquik has all the makings of a great cereal. Firstly, it has that whole crunchy rice and corn thing going on, plus the chocolateymilkness – which I generally love – but also, it is brand that has been in Europe since the 1950s. It debuted as an extension of Nestle Quik, an American brand of milkshake powder (in fact, the cereal itself was called Nestle Quik in the USA until 1999!). The brand’s 1970s marketing drive even involved voice acting powerhouse, Barry Gordon – who you may know as the voice behind Donatello and Bebop in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – as Quiky. It is one of Nestle’s best-selling cereals and a household name, but – rabbit poo comparisons aside – it just don’t sit right with me.
Taste: Although I am a huge fan of chocolate breakfast cereal, Nesquik cereal just doesn’t taste chocolatey enough for my liking. Although it doesn’t taste bad, I find it to have a weak flavour, particularly compared to Coco Pops and Coco Shreddies. 5/10
Milk Flavour: This is where Nesquik is strongest, which is unsurprising for a company that started out as, and still make, chocolate milkshakes. It improves the overall taste of the cereal, but is easily the stronger component of the cereal:milk equation. 9/10
Texture: I feel that Nequik could do a lot better here. While you don’t want your cereal to get too soggy, you want it to soften up in the milk, for that lovely “soft on the inside with a crunchy core” thing Golden Nuggets have going on. However, I find Nesquik to be too crunchy, even at the end of a bowl. 4/10
Packaging: An array of colour: always the yellow box, with a brown Quiky to harmonise and a blue bowl/Nesquik logo to contrast (that’s right, I did Art up to Secondary 2). I find the bright yellow box really sticks out on shelves. 9/10
Relevancy of Mascot: I feel I should give this a 0/10 as the relationship between mascot and cereal is rather flawed and disgusting, but since this is graded on relevancy of mascot, I can’t really argue. 10/10
Potential: I have tried putting my Nesquik in the microwave to soften it up into a delectable hot chocolate with lumps, but I found it didn’t work so well. It wasn’t terrible, but the cereal goes kind of hard. Not crunchy, but hard. It is fine for mixing with most other cereals, particularly Alpen, Rice Krispies and Chocolate Weetabix. Nothing too revolutionary here though. 6/10
Overall: Despite the exact thing that should bring its mark down being the strongest mark under my reviewing system, Nesquik still scores fairly lowly. Perhaps I ought to rethink my system. Not the worst breakfast cereal, but certainly not the best. 6.5/10